


Skaia Sex Emporium

by dogtier



Series: Tumblr Requests [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Multi, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-02
Updated: 2012-05-02
Packaged: 2017-11-04 17:35:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/396400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dogtier/pseuds/dogtier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The beta kids open a sex shop together. They are not very good at it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Skaia Sex Emporium

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Tuataratough for my 100 Tumblr Followers Request-A-Thon. Originally posted on [tumblr here](http://shitletsbedogtier.tumblr.com/post/22200834079/request-1-skaia-sex-emporium).

"Welcome to Skaia Sex Emporium, for all your deep dicking needs," Dave said, monotone. "Can I interest you in a variety of- ouch!"

"Dave!" Jade scolded while elbowing him in the side. "You're scaring off the costumers. Hello! I'm Jade, I'd be very happy to help you! What are you interested in? We have everything! Well, not everything, some of the things I wanted to get are for _illegal_ in this stupid state, I just don't get people's hang ups about milking machines being used for-"

" _I'm_ scaring them?" Dave asked. 

The two shoppers in front of them stared while slowly backing up, hoping to make it from the counter to the door without Jade and Dave noticing. They were cut off by John. 

"Ignore them," John said. "They're just horny all the time."

"Ha ha," the female customer said nervously. 

"I'm John," he said, sticking out his hand for a shake. "Welcome to our establishment!"

The woman started to reach out.

"Stop!" Rose said. The customer jerked back in alarm. "John, what have I said about joy buzzers in the past?"

"That they don't go on nipples?"

"That you don't use them on _paying customers_."

"Right, that too." He grinned weakly. Rose sighed and took the joy buzzer from his palm, tucking it safely into her pocket. John pouted slightly. 

"I apologize for my coworkers' enthusiasm," Rose said. "Let me _actually_ help you."

The woman was clinging to her male companion's arm. He looked like he was about to flee at any moment. 

"Um, we were, oh this is embarrassing," the woman said. 

"The strap on harnesses are in the back right corner," Rose said.

"How did you know we were looking for that?" the man asked. 

Rose just looked at them and he felt the intense urge to shut up and go look at the dildos. 

Back at the counter Dave and Jade were still bickering as Jade attempted to draw a diagram on a spare napkin from their Chinese take out. 

"No, the vibrating cock ring goes _here_ ," Jade said. "That way it hits the clit at the bottom of each thrust. And stop drawing googly eyes on my dicks!" 

"Why, not kawaii enough?" Dave asked. 

Jade glared. 

"Sorry, I forgot," Dave said. "You're not kawaii, you're manly as hell."

"That is such old meme," John said, leaning into the conversation. "I'm embarrassed for you. Ugh, did you get Chinese for lunch again? You know they cook everything in peanut oil." 

"This is a new place!" Jade said. "Guaranteed peanut free." 

"No eating at the counter," Rose said. "I swear, you people are like children."

"You and your shota kink," Dave said. Jade jabbed him in the side again.

"Thank you, Jade," Rose said sweetly. 

"No problem!" Jade chirped. 

"Now hand me the measuring tape." Rose said. "I need to help with a fitting." 

Jade dug it out from under the counter and tossed it to Rose, who returned to the nervous couple in the corner. 

"Things are pretty dead today," John observed. 

"You could always go organize the porn mags," Jade said. 

"There's so _many_ ," he whined. "Wait! I know, me and you can do it together and whoever find the weirdest photoshoot in one wins."

"You're on!" Jade said. "Dave, hold down the fort."

"Aye-aye, captain," Dave said, saluting lazily. 

Jade and John scurried off to the magazine rack. Jade went right for the furry stuff. She was so predictable. 

"I think our guests are ready to make their purchase," Rose said, leading the blushing couple back up to the counter. 

"It'll be on my credit card," the woman said. 

"Do you have any um... discreet bags?" the man asked. 

"Of course," Rose said. "Let me just wrap it up for you."

"Dude, nice balls on that dildo," Dave said. "High five."

The man stared at Dave's raised hand. 

"Just ring them up," Rose said. 

Dave did so while the woman's eyes kept darting back and forth from the counter to Jade and John.

"Are you guys-" she began. 

"Yes?" Rose asked, raising an eyebrow. 

"Nevermind," the woman said, blushing. 

After paying the couple hurried out of the store as Jade shouted a cheerful farewell to them. 

"That went better than usual," Rose said. "Not a single lube spill." 

"Truly we are becoming professionals," Dave agreed.

**Author's Note:**

> Not pictured: Flashback to the time John taped joy buzzers over his nipples so when Dave tried to stick his hand up John’s shirt and feel him up he got shocked. And then John laughed like a wheezing donkey for ten whole minutes.


End file.
